A Secret
You’ll never know how much I really love you
You’ll never know how much I really care
— Ang first lines ng isang sikat na Beatles song. But, but, but, marami namang taong masaya nang walang alam, or, masaya sa iniisip nilang alam nila. So why shouldn’t I? Kaso, medyo veteran na ko ng mga mga unknown things, at kung pano kokontrolin ang isang verified piece of information. Let’s not get our hearts into our heads.
At ito uli ang isang other people post: nakakatuwa yung mga taong — WAIT, wala na kong gana for sarcasm, o anuman, sasasabihin ko na lang how disgusting this kid right here. Ayun, ewan ko kung bakit ok ka dapat sa lahat ng taong kausap mo, as in overt sinungaling, nakakainis, no balls, WTF, bottom feeder, my god! At itong si bottom feeder ay sobrang baba na tatawanan mo siya kahit magalit siya, at napaka despicable kung paano siya umarte patungo sa ibang tao. Nakakabadtrip. Arggg.
Iiwas nga uli ako. Ito hirap saken, basta nagagamit ko, ayos lang, kaya mobile ang relationship ko sa ibang tao. Kaso wala talaga silang will para magbago.
Teka, meron pa.
Ewan ko ba, kung di naman mababa tingin sa sarili, sobrang taas naman, ewan ko ba kung saan nila napupulot sensibilities nila.
Teka, nagd-die down na hate ko. Hmmph. Piff.
* * *
Andami mong sinasabi! Puro cosmetics lang naman!
Nasampolan na naman ako ng mundo ng mga taong superficial, sa likod ng maskarang api, at kung anu-ano pa. Andaming niyong tawag sa mga bagay-bagay, kayong lahat! Kanino ba kayo nagpapakitang-gilas? Sa ibang tao o sa sarili niyo? Bumalik na uli kayo sa mga imagined conflicts niyo sa buhay niyo.
* * *
Pero ok lang yan, bata pa kayo. Marami pa kayong mau-unlearn.
* * *
Wala na naman akong gana for anything. Kanina hopeful pa naman ako na, na-babaliw na uli ako. Kaso, no. At pasingit lang, being ignorant is not cute. Dumadami na naman ang mga full-days (mga araw na full time ang pagkakaron ko ng free time), ano na gagawin ko? Magkukulong sa bahay. Maglalaro. At naisip ko uli kanina na, nasave ng paglalaro ko sarili ko, para di ako mabaliw. Kaso being crazy is good. Parang nung isang araw lang, na nanggagalaiti ako sobra, at uminom na lang ako ng quick 2 shots ng Jager para makatulog ng masaya. Bibili pa pala ako.
Dahil wala nang swimming. Ippredict ko na gagawin ko sa gabi-gabi, or araw-araw. Gigising ng 1-3pm, magluluto or bibili ng lunch, internet, whatever, tapos bahala na 5 to 10 kung ano gagawin ko. Tapos sa gabi, work out, write, and sleep. Tapos ulit uli.
Wala naman talaga tayong mapagkakatiwalaan. Sana noon pa lang, I’ve learned how to play the game. Para ngayon, master ko na ang art ng not letting them know that you’re playing.
* * *
Lapse
Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero sandigan ko talaga ang OST ng Moulin Rouge, kapag ako ay naghihikahos — kung anuman ibig sabihin niyan. At na grip yata ako ng matinding kalungkutan kaya biglaan na naman akong nag-ga-ganyan. At usually immune ako sa mga ganyang bagay. Sarap kasi matulog. Huhu.
Buti na lang, at least kanina, nararamdaman ko nang unti-unting bumabalik ang aking senses, afflictions, passions. At naalala ko muli ang pakiramdam ng pag-le-let go, at namimiss ko na.
Agh! Naalala ko na naman ang mga gabing puno ng despair at disappointment, and I can’t wait.
Siguro, dahil nakatulog lang ako kaya ganito ako, tapos mamaya pag-gising ko, wala na, isang smiling empty shell na naman uli ako.
Kaso baka hindi ko masustain to e, hindi ko na gaanong pinagluluksuan ang buhay ko.
Kaya ayan, inaalay ko uli sarili ko, with outstretched arms sa mundo, at nais ko sanang mahulog uli sa lupa, kung saan ako nabibilang.
Hello, hello
wag na sana tayo muli mag-usap kasi
sinasayang mo lang oras ko
mangangausap ka lang naman kasi
kapag bored ka, or may kailangan ka
mangangausap ka lang kasi
para masabi na kinakausap mo ko
mangangausap ka lang kasi
kung gusto mo umapela
wala akong pakialam sa nararamdaman mo
kasi wala kang pakialam sa nararamdaman ko
sayang ang binibigay ko kasi
sobrang liit ng binabalik mo
at kung walang nangyayari
bakit pa itutuloy?
hay nako.
totoo na to.
Boo
I’ve been wearing too much costumes over me. Hep, hep, hep. It’s finally in. The world’s not getting any younger.
my name is marvin. born on the dawn of the 31st of may, year 1988. now, i’m nearly 21 years old. i am clearly too old for this shit. i am online most of the time. i browse /b/. i own two guy fawkes masks. i download stuff for free using torrents, most of the time. i buy original stuff, if i have the money. i sleep at around 4-5am, wake up at 9, or 11, or 1. i do leg raises, 30 reps for 3 sets, when i don’t feel stressed from the day. i also do inclined dumb bell presses (whatever that is) for 16 reps and 3 sets. i own a 25lb weight. i talk a lot. im a very untidy person, but if my mood is right, i get overly obsessive-compulsive. im a fucking atheist. i am incredibly fatalistic. if i don’t know you, i don’t trust you. hell, even if i know you, i still wouldn’t trust you. i know you won’t care about me. but i’d thank you if you do. if you mess with me, i will come after you.
Now, I am tired of all the shits happening to me. If you wanna play a game, fine, I’ll play. But please, don’t waste my time. I got enough shit to worry about, and I don’t need anymore. Shoo, scram, go fucking away.
Hello World
Ang ayos na ng buhay ko. Swabe. Kumbaga, manhid na ko dati, mas manhid na ko ngayon.
At mas nakakatakot na ko ngayon. Malapit na ko mag-assert eh. Nagiging structured na ko.
Sabi nga dun sa parang textbook namin sa scriptwriting, “what’s the secret to a great script?”
“Structure! Structure! Structure!”
Phbbbt. What’s the secret to a great life? “Ignorance! Ignorance! Ignorance!”
What was it again?
— I like chocolates better than ice cream!
Gaano kadalas ba ang sobra? Araw-araw? Maya’t-maya, o Minu-minuto?
Sabi nga ni M. M, “ayos mansakal ng maganda, pero panget? SOS!”
Sa sikip ng dibdib, di na makahinga.
Parang sabi lang ng magulang ko noong namatay lola ko,
“Nakalimutan lang huminga”
Ikaw ba, nakapikit ka ba dahil ayaw mo kong makita?
This Just In
In this Friday of July 2008.
I no longer care about that string of accumulated dust
Waving and flailing, clinging on this metal casing that
Protects me from this fan’s spinning blades
No, not even about this almost empty water bottle on the top of my desk
Not even about the ants that crawl all over me and my working area
I’d like to say that I am in fact not with these objects anymore
I am on a whole different plane
Two or three years ago I may mind the occasional quirks that
Disturb the overall banality of my day
This just in – I don’t care anymore
And yet, as I write, I find myself
Distracted
Again.
As easy how I slide into my lowest low
That I jump out to my not quite usual excited self
But owing to that, as I look at my own reflection
I see that I am in fact beyond help
That I do not feel any sort of connection with this image on the wall
I never thought that it would be this painful
I never thought that even the light and
Warmth of day could betray me to it
Not even the curious whispers and heartfelt laughter of
Those that surround me
Could pull me away from these thoughts
Even, when at moments that I feel I am most alive
It would suddenly grow dim, the sound fainter
And the world gets smaller, and smaller
As it descends upon me
The weight of eternity
You can’t always feed me your solution
I have to at least acquire your taste for it
And of course, we are most convinced by the things
We found out by ourselves
You cannot teach me to care for others
When I in fact do not care about myself
I am not okay
In fact, I will never be okay
Still, you will never believe me when I say that
I have gone mad
that
I am living for nothing
that
The fire that burned within me has been extinguished
that
I don’t live for a year, not even for a day, only for the moment
And it’s been three months since
Shit like this never lasted this long
I don’t know why it did
I wish I should’ve known
